Under the Squirrel Sun
by Mack the hedgehog
Summary: Drunken antics have a way of bitting you in the ass, and sadly Conker is about to get the tooth. With rediscovered memories, reborn wars, species uprisings and global conflict, that bottle's lookin' like a REAL asshole for the poor guy.
1. A Night on the Town Gone Wrong

Under the Squirrel Sun….

_Author's notes: Conker and all related characters are property of Rareware and Microsoft © I'm not writing this for any form of profit. Also, some of the characters have under gone slight to major personality changes. For example, unlike in the games, where Gregg can at the very least tolerate Conker, he now cannot stand him. For a similar reason as to why he dislikes cats. It takes him so damn long to collect his soul, not to mention that he constantly has to bring him back to the land of the living. To say the least, he wants nothing to do with that "furry little prick! " Trust me when I say there are others. Lastly, please do let me know if you feel that anything needs a little or a lot of changing. Though, try to keep it at the very least intelligible, like if something doesn't make sense, or if there`s some sort of plot hole. With all that said, enjoy my first fan fiction, Conker: Under the Squirrel Sun. _

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The place: Squridaenia; more specifically, the Cock and Plucker: a popular bar and club house where our tale begins. Inside the afore mentioned establishment sat a small band of squirrels, drinking the night away with multiple bottles already downed. Among them, sat two incredibly important individuals; one of them was commanding general and head military scientist Rodent. He wore a large pair of glasses, a pair of brown hiking shoes and a thick black jacket with several pockets and a badge signaling his positions in the militia. While not so much a heavy drinker, he'd had his share of hangovers and crazy nights. The other high stature individual was none other then the king himself. He wore a blue hoody with yellow highlights on the bottom and sleeves, green shorts with again yellow highlights on the belt line and ends of the legs, and blue shoes with a single strapped down lace and a large yellow blotch on the tip. Rather then occasionally drinking and rarely if not just once getting drunk like Rodent, this high placed squirrel was drinking every single night, and ended up drunk nearly once every week; sometimes even twice or thrice. One such event even lead him through the once kingdom of the fabled Panther King, and ending with him being crowned an unwilling new ruler of this land. I am of course talking about King of the squirrels himself, witty, greedy, fearless, lustful, rude, and now king: Conker the squirrel. But lately, this kingly squirrel had felt rather depressed, and was going through quite the personality change, and it all revolved around the passing of a certain individual whom he had felt a close pull to, and when she found herself on the wrong end of a machine gun, Conker had since been going through some rough times, tending to act rather depressed and to not speak to many people aside from those who he had to during his kingly duties. But enough of that, we'll get to it in a bit; back to the story. The two friends (Conker and Rodent) sat with several war buddies of there's, and were drinking to there hearts content. Well, all except for one.

"No, I'm serious Rodent, I don't want another drink! "Said a rather annoyed Conker. As mentioned before, normally Conker would be more then happy to have yet another drink. Except by now, he would probably be on his 7thbottle, rather then his 1st as he was. Again as mentioned above, drinking was a regular thing for this little red squirrel. That is, before** she** died. After Conker's girlfriend Berri died in the "Heist" incident, Conker had slowly but surely began to stop his drinking. This wasn't because he was depressed (though he definitely still was) it was because Berri had hated his constant drinking, to the point were she often considering breaking up with Conker. Conker always said that he would stop, but up until this point, he hadn't. But now, after her death, Conker'd had a change of heart, and honored her death by trying to live up to his promise. So far, it was looking as though he would finally stop drinking all together, much to the dismay of his drinking buddies. Including Rodent.

"Oh c'mon Conker, you can't be serious!" said Rodent, still in a bit of denial of Conker's deceased drinking habits.

"Rodent, we've already gone over this! I'm trying to cut back on these! "Pointing at all the beers his buddies had already gone through. Some of them were looking a bit tipsy.

"Ah cut loose Conker me-HIC-boy! Have one of the-"Started one of the squirrels, but he was cut off as a steaming mass of his projectile poison left his mouth, and fell to the floor.

"Yeah Con-HIC-ker, join the gang! "Said another of the squirrels.

"Listen to him Conker! Here, just drink this and all hop off the pecking train." Said Rodent, shaking one of the bottles he'd taken a sip out of earlier in Conker's face, saliva still visible.

"No Rodent, you know I said I was done with that shit, I don't want any! " Yelled Conker as he pushed the bottle out of his face and sent it tumbling to the wood floor below; much to the dismay of those who were already drunk in the bar and hadn't already passed out or wandered off.

"Quiet down over there!" shouted the bartender "You'll wake my daughter! "

"Fuck off!" yelled Conker while standing up out of his chair. "Besides, if your daughter can sleep through all the horse shit this place goes through in a night, I hardly think I'm gonna make a difference! " With a low grunt, the bartender was silent.

"Conker, I……I've never seen you like this "said Rodent. Letting out a sigh, Conker sat back down, lowered his eyelids and turned his head towards Rodent.

"Try running an entire continent for a day, see how you feel "said Conker.

"I suppose…but remember, I'm general, and I don't exactly run a cakewalk either "said Rodent. Conker shot him a bit of a look.

"I'll shut up now…" he whispered.

"Thank you "said Conker. He then pulled out a Nintendo d.s, and continued to smash it lightly with his various eating utensils. Across the bar, a shady looking weasel sat down, just nursing a beer, listening to the two squirrel's conversations. He wore a brown trench coat that covered most of his body with no real distinct markings and a matching hat. Only his long sniffling nose stuck out, though his eyes were illuminated with a pair of goggles. He was a member of a group of activists, trying to dethrone Conker and crown the Panther king once again; whom they believed was still alive. The moment he heard that the small red squirrel at that table was indeed Conker, he began loading a concealed magnum, preparing to assassinate his king. Unfortunately for him, though fortunate for Conker, one of the squirrels noticed the gleam of the gun and yelled at the top of his lungs.

"HE'S GOT A GUN! THAT FUCKA'S GOT A GUN!" Just like that, pandemonium broke loose, and the entire town echoed with the squirrels cry's of fear. Conker however, was not among them. This wasn't the first time Conker had seen one of these guys, though this was the first time he'd had some form of warning. As soon as he heard those words, he'd stood up, grabbed one of the bottles, and chucked it at his would-be attacker. The glass container hit straight and true, nailing the weasel square in the face, and sending him toppling to the ground; blood gushing from his cheeks, and cracking his goggles in several places. But he was trained for stress like this, and had taken several doses of pain-killers before coming.

"You always were quick to react weren't you 'sire' "said the weasel, standing up and brushing the blood off his face. By now all the squirrels (minus Conker obviously) had either evacuated or were cowering in some corner, under/ behind something, or were inching towards the exit. The world was silent, as the two men stared each other down, neither willing to move; as though they had looked into the snake-haired mistress's eyes and were now not but colored stone. The wind whistled, and all who could see watched with silent eyes and ears. Not a sound was heard. Not a breath was felt, nor word muttered. The two combatants' were virtually alone. Perfect.

_Some where in the valleys of windy…_

A groan eerily left the recently formed crater that night. Groans and moans were all that had yet to leave, but they would soon cease. Lying face down inside the crater was a weasel with a robotic right eye and leg, a slightly torn and burnt white lab coat covering his being, green leather gloves and no visible legs or feet. The weasels name was Dr. Von Kriplespac, a former military leader, scientist and servant to the now dead panther king. Then, he slowly began to lift himself out of the ditch he had made from reentering the earth's atmosphere after being shot into space from his spacecraft via airlock. Nobody to this day knows how in the hell he managed to survive the fall, let alone the vacuum of space. But in reality, what did that matter? He was alive, breathing, and most certainly moving. The lens on his robotic eye was heavily cracked, forcing him to only be able to look out of one eye. Many of his bones were broken, organs damaged and he had serious bleeding spots, both external and internal. But despite his serious medical condition, he was able to pull himself out of the pit, and lay himself out and onto the grass of windy. Looking up to the stars he had left behind, he raised his robotic fist and uttered a promise. A promise he intended to keep. He would kill that fucking squirrel. He would make him pay dearly; with his own blood. Then, as the broken and bleeding professor reached over, pressing a button on his arm with a picture of a tedi on it, he fell unconscious. He only hoped that the signal he'd sent out would be heard, and he'd be able to exalt his revenge on the squirrel that had ruined his chance at becoming king. He prayed someone would hear his call for mercy and help. He wished that he'd be answered.

He was…By his army.

_Well? What did you think? Comments would be appreciated, especially if you intend to give me some advice. The next several chapters of this story we'll kind of be recaps, but with my own personal touch added in. _


	2. Recollection

Chapter 2 --- Recollection

_Author's notes: I do not own Conker and related characters in any form or way, they belong to Rareware and Microsoft ©. Nor am I writing this for the sake of making a profit. Any critiques would be appreciated._

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"I'll give you this one chance you stupid squirrel, step down, and I won't have to spray your ass all-over the wall "said the weasel, magnum in hand, pointed directly at the small red squirrel known as Conker. He looked at then barrel of the armed weapon, then at his attacker. Letting out a sigh, he looked at the weasel and said…

"I'll be frank with you weasel, I would love to step down; I really would. But quite frankly, if I go, this entire world goes down the crapper without a king. And who'd replace me, that dead cat of yours? Last time I checked, dead people are, well, just that; dead. "This brief little rant made the weasel a little tense, and he strengthened his grip on his weapon.

"He is not dead, he's been thrown off to somewhere, and we intend to find him! "He yelled; spitting across the room afterwords and smacking Conker square in the forehead. A little annoyed, yet still keeping his cool, Conker brushed off the saliva, and then gave a quick laugh.

"That's the best you got? " Said Conker. Something snapped inside the weasels head, and he wasn't afraid to show it. Squinting his eyes and growling loudly, he pointed the armed magnum directly at Conker's head, starting to smile a rather crooked grin. Conker wasn't moved, he just stood there, arms crossed, foot tapping, staring his attacker right into his eyes.

"God speed you prick! "Yelled the weasel as he pulled the trigger and the bullet sped towards Conker with an earsplitting **BANG!** However Conker jumped to the side just in time as the streamlined piece of lead rammed into solid concrete. This visibly infuriated the weasel, as he continued to unload his weapon on what he hoped would be Conker, but always missed him by just a foot or so and instead bounced of the wall or a bottle, and once even a bystander. At last, the weapon was out of readied ammo, and the terrorist was forced to resort to his dagger, tossing the gun to the floor with a resounding **CLUNK! **This was what Conker had been hoping for. Sweating like crazy and panting like a dehydrated dog, he pulled out his trusty nailed-baseball bat and readied himself.

Conker had hoped the weasel would be a little taken back by the sight of the bat and thereby give him time to rest and rejuvenate; no such luck. The mad-mammal almost instantly ran full force at Conker, dagger raised in the slashing position and yelling out a battle cry. Conker was much calmer then his attacker and simply held the bat in a swinging position and prepared for whatever the weasel would do. Not surprisingly, he immediately slashed in a c-shape and stumbled a little, but quickly brought himself back with another slash in the same style. Conker bided his time, waiting for the ideal moment to strike. The two combatants danced about the bar, the weasel slashing every which way and Conker ducking and parrying his blows. Eventually, the weasel swung his knife to the side and stumbled greatly, and was given a quick and powerful strike to the back of the head, **THWACK,** causing his skull to crack and him to fall to the ground, unconscious. Conker then proceeded to quickly beat him down several times so as to ensure that he wouldn't get up. Every time Conker's wooden bat smashed the weasel, everyone in the bar jumped a bit; a few of them even passing out from shock. Eventually, Conker ceased his violent frenzy and stood there breathing heavily. His bat was covered in blood and the nails had chunks of gore hanging and swaying with the wooden melee weapons movement. Conker stood looking over the corpse of his lifeless enemy, panting quietly and controlled. He then put his bat away, and walked up towards the counter. The tender was cowering with a kneeling position. Now that he knew that this was indeed the king he spoke to, he feared the wrath of this red squirrel. But Conker had no beef with this gray squirrel, and was only coming to pay for the beer and damages. Then, he waved goodbye to his pals and left. All he wanted was to go to sleep; it had been a long night.

Rodent sat there, still quivering in fear from the events that had been played out in front of his very eyes. Brushing the sweat off his face and arms, he slowly adjusted his glasses and stood. He breathed heavily and loudly, with a damp hand placed on his temple. Slowly peering around, he watched as others crawled out from there hiding places, most of them doing similar things. A few stayed put, simply to scared to venture from there hiding spot. Placing his jittering hand onto his speedily beating heart, he slowly began to wander towards the exit with the intent to catch up with Conker and talk to him about what'd just transpired. Well, that and he was a little scared that there were more of those dastardly weasels out there. Once he was outside, he looked in all directions for his missing pal. Looking to the direction of the castle, he saw his old comrade, slowly trudging off towards what was now his home.

"Conker!" Rodent yelled as he started into a run "Hey Conker wait up!" Hearing the call of his good friend Rodent, Conker stopped and turned around to see him. Watching as Rodent ran up to him, he then completely turned around to look at his friend, as Rodent slowed himself and eventually stood directly facing him.

"Oh hey Rodent, something wrong? I mean, aside from what just happened in there "said Conker, referring of course to what'd just transpired inside of the Cock and Plucker. Breathing heavily, Rodent stood bent over, still a little exasperated from all that excitement.

"Oh, err, nothing really, I just wanted to head home with you. " After Rodent said that, Conker just gave him a quick nod, and kept walking. Rodent of course, followed. The night was a serene one, with no rain, little noise at all, and minus Conker, Rodent and the occasional bum, the streets were completely lifeless. Both squirrels were silent nearly the entire trip, only their periodic breathing and footsteps gave away their presence. However, they were certainly not the ONLY ones who were strolling through the streets of this mid-sized town.

Peering down on the two squirrels like a hawk to a doomed rabbit, a black cloaked individual stood. He wore very similar clothes to that weasel that had just minutes earlier met a very gruesome fate at the hands of one of those two small mammals, except his garments were in a pitch black color, and he wore a few other things on his person. A dark black buckle belt, a glass left eye, a blue armband near his shoulder, and a white tuxedo with a curvy lined insignia on the collar flaps. But this was no weasel; this was something far more dangerous: a high ranking, Tediz Sneeker.

Lifting up his arm, he pulled back his sleeve to reveal a small communicator watch, shining in the dim night with chrome polish. Now, as you all should know if you know anything about the Tediz, it's that they speak an entirely different tongue then that of what we as humans verbalize, or most of the other residents of the lands of Conk. But I'm sure it would be incredibly confusing as a reader to understand what they are saying, so to make it easy on us all, the Tediz will be translated into English. But, we need to get back on track here, so let's return to the story here.

Pressing a red button on the side of the metal cling-on, the shadowy and sinister figure began to speak into the tiny microphone in the center of the metal communicator.

"You can stop your search men, I know now for a fact that he is here in this settlement "said the Tedi.

"Are you going to attack sir? Or are you going to wait for us? "Said a heavy and crackly voice from the other side of the communicator.

"Neither, I'm going to continue my reconnaissance, and you are to stand by for instruction at the east bridge. " Replied the Sneeker Tedi.

"Bu-bu-…but sir! They're within view correct? Then why don't you rush down there and slice their asses across the street!?!? " yelled back the other Tedi, whom was actually the Sneeker's partner/apprentice, a newbie Demolisher who'd just left the training facility within the month.

"Why you ask? Because if I were to even attempt that, **my** ass would be the one that was spilled onto the stone road. I've seen the king in battle, and not only is he incredibly good at dodging a bullet, and at blasting back to send our brothers toppling; but he is incredibly lucky. You shoot him, he jumps out of the way; you torch him, he runs into you and you get burnt worse; hell, try to shoot him with a tank and he'll just pull a bazooka out of no where and…well, you do the math." The demolisher went silent.

"Exactly" and with that, the Sneeker released the button, and leapt from the roof top and onto the stone street below, never making a sound loud enough to alert the two squirrels. Quickly diving behind a smelly green dumpster, the Tedi silently listened for anything the two squirrels might be saying. Unfortunately, they were completely silent. He slowly followed from behind, ducking and leaping behind anything and everything that would obscure his being from their vision; but he heard absolutely nothing. Eventually the Sneeker decided that this was a worthless endeavor and ran to rejoin his squad. Conker and Rodent eventually came to the bridge that led to the massive castle that served as the home for the two squirrels. As Conker entered the security pass code for the door, and the two of them entered the large stone structure, they were greeted with a "SIRS!" and a hall of salutes from their personal guards.

After an entire building of this routine, he came to the throne room; greeted by a room full of characters that one wouldn't see anywhere else in the known universe ( minus maybe an acid trip ). A talking pitchfork, paint brush and bucket; a stitched up gassy mouse, a slice of cheese with eyes and three cogs with feminine eyes and makeup in three colors; green red and blue. While Conker truly did hate every last one of these people, the pitchfork named Frankie he admits to hanging with from time to time, and he does enjoy it. But……it's hard to forgive someone who left you to die, no matter how nice. But enough of that, back to the story at hand.

"Well hi there Conker! How'd-""Not now Franky, I'm just here say your all off duty and you can leave. So….feck off" interrupted Conker. With that, they all let out either a sigh of sadness or relief and left; leaving Conker and Rodent in an empty throne-room.

"You to Rodent" said Conker, pointing to the wooden doors. Rodent gave the door a funny look, then Conker, then back to the door.

"Go on, don't you have a wife to get back to?" asked Conker.

"Uh…yeah, but…she's over in the city for the weekend to see her dad, and she, kinda told me not to come and…left without me" muttered Rodent, trying not to sound pathetic. Conker was a little shocked, but kept a straight face. Rodent lowered his head in sadness, thinking that Conker wouldn't let him stay.

"Well, as long as you think you can make it to the bathroom from the guest room before you get the floor wet, you can stay." Said Conker, giving Rodent a quick assuring nod. Looking up at Conker, Rodent practically leapt in joy, yelling out into the night and falling onto the floor. The guards outside the door looked at each other and smiled. That little squirrel could light up the sea floor when he was happy.

The guest room was larger then half of Rodent's house, with a TV room, three bathrooms, four beds, a large kitchen, a dressing room and an indoor pool. Rodent had been n here before, but now matter how many times he did so, he always found himself with a grin that spread across his face. Dancing around like a nut ball, Conker left Rodent to whatever it was he was going to do, and sauntered over to his room. The royal dorm was beyond magnificent, with one bed that was even to big for the Panther king, with golden overhanging ornaments, red silky curtains, and ocean blue bedspread. One bathroom, with stainless steel tile working, diamond in crusted empty picture frames, and a golden toilet. The recreation room had a massive 70 inch hi definition plasma screen TV, an Xbox 360, Playstation 3, and a Wii that had clearly been intentionally mistreated; a ping pong table, a bar that had been unemployed for quite some time, a comfortable beanie chair with reading lamp on the cedar nightstand. A much larger pool then the guest rooms, and a hot tub that linked to the bathroom and rec room through a long hallway, with several closets. Though Conker had one personal favorite spot that he'd had placed in personally. It was a virtually empty room, with only a solitary window, and a massive picture that was bigger then him. From the window, he could see the graveyard in it's entirety, and on the picture…A large life-scale, photo of Berri and himself as kids; in front of their high school as it was torn down, smiling and laughing; not a care in the world. That was the only picture of the two together while they were young that he could find, but he had always loved it anyway. It reminded him of better times gone by.

Conker and Berri had met through Rodent and Miranda (a friend of Berri's) who'd known each other since they were very little. They met at the school winter dance, and they were as close as close could be for the longest time. Whenever the two had a free moment, they'd be off having fun together; be it stargazing, video games, movies, dinner, shopping, or just hanging out by the lake, these two always knew how to have a good time. But those days were gone now. Berri was dead and Miranda had disappeared years ago. Rodent and Conker were the only remnants of those happy times. But to Conker, this picture did just fine to ease his pain, and the room itself let him think, seeing how it was soundproof.

"Ahhh…those were the days" he said "Back when all we had to worry about was finishing the assignment and making it to the prom." Letting out a gloomy sigh, he slowly walked out of the room, knowing he had to get to those papers; they'd been piling up for days now. Pulling up his chair, turning on the overhead lamp, removing the paper from the top of his little pile, and at last removing his feather pen from it's ink hold; then he let out a sigh, and began working. A thumping on his door abruptly stopped that.

"It's open" mumbled Conker. The world around him seemed to explode as the door opened abruptly with a loud **WOOSH **and followed by a deafening WHAM as it collided with the walls behind it. Conker covered his head and dropped the pen, turning to see what was making all that noise. He expected mercenaries, or maybe a guard who was too scared to control himself, hell even a monster crossed his mind briefly. Instead, an old acquaintance.

"It sure as hell is now" The figure was only slightly shorter then Conker, with a black robe, scythe and a human like skull. He was known as Gregg, the grim reaper. Quickly walking up to Conker, he placed a finger on his head; temporarily knocking him unconscious. He then hoisted the squirrel up over his shoulder, snapped his fingers, and they were gone in a flash of bright blue flames.

_Elsewhere…_

"Master! Are you feeling any better?" said a smooth voice.

"As vell as somvone vit a broken everyting can feel" answered a high pitched and slightly croaky voice. Lifting his casted arms, Von Kriplespac lazily gazed over his near entirely covered body, still stewing over how he could have possibly survived the fall from space. He looked up at the medical Tedi that stood in front of him. She was covered in a green surgeon's coat, with a pair of rimless glasses, holding a clipboard with all of her master's many, many injuries. She was as dumbfounded as he was that he'd managed to survive the fall. Suddenly her master let out a sigh, looked at her, and said…

"Tell me…,did jo recover any othzer bodies?" The Tedi female looked at him oddly, thought about it for moment, and finally answered…

"Why yes, there was a chair, and a woman with a blondish yellow pig-tail. Though may I ask why? "

"Vell…" said Kriplespac, with a evil grin on his face "Jo vill see in due time my dear." And with that, he drifted into a deep sleep, going over his new ingenious plan.

" Just jo vait squirrel, I vill strike you vright vere it hurts..."

_I have to say, this chapter surpasses its predecessor by a long shot; length and story wise. Tell me what you think. Reviews are appreciated._


	3. To Hell and Back

Chapter 3 --- To Hell and Back

Conker and all related characters are © Microsoft and Rareware. I own nothing and am not writing this for any sort of profit.

"C'mon baby! Come with the winner and drop the loser"

"Get your fucking hands off Berri you bastard!!" A fist swung through the dark and collided the skull with fierce intent. The recipient staggered backwards swinging his ringing head from side to side in an attempt to heal. Several individuals rushed up to help with these proceedings.

"Now stay out of my life you prick" said a much younger then we know Conker. Standing behind him were his friends Rodent and Miranda, and girlfriend Berri; each of which had a different outlook on Conker's actions. Rodent was cowering and shaking with the occasional weak sounding noise. Berri had her arms crossed, and had her gaze turned a little to the side and a sad and stern mixture illustrated on her face. Miranda was chuckling to herself watching the older squirrel stagger around in pain; which happened to be a relative of some sort of Conkers; third cousin sounded about right.

Slowly, the young gray squirrel re-positioned himself and shoved his friends off to the side. Pulling up the sleeves of his grey hoody and tan t-shirt, he charged Conker and tackled him to the ground, sending mud hurtling everywhere; including the faces of Conker's friends. He then proceeded to send a volley of punches at the future king; or at least, tried to. Conker ducked and bobbed his head every which way, dodging his foes assault and trying to get at a good angle to make a counter attack. All at once he grabbed the gray squirrels throat and put as much force as he could; his adversary chocked and gagged in response. He tried to dislodge himself from Conkers iron grip, but no matter how much he squirmed, spit, or punched, Conker just would not let go. At last, he went limp in Conkers hold, and fell to the muddy floor as Conker rolled to the side.

He leisurely pulled himself to his feet, and brushed the mud and dirt off his blue hoody and face, then turned to face his friends. Almost instantly Miranda was on him, she tackled him and squeezed him tightly in her grasp and laughed. Soon after, Rodent walked up and patted his best friend on the back, and gave him a quick thumbs up. Lastly Berri approached and smiled at Conker; he smiled back and chuckled. Lightly pushing Miranda to the side, he walked over and hugged his girlfriend, who kissed him on the cheek in response.

"You done yet squirrel? C'mon, I haven't got all day!" All of a sudden Conker opened his eyes and found himself in a dimly lit plaza, with several stone columns and a dark gate in front of him. Behind him was a cobble stone bridge, which led to what appeared to be a small graveyard with an orange tail hung by a hook swinging overhead. The area was dimly lit by several wooden torches clasping blue flames in their stone cold grip; one on each pillar. Lazily he lifted himself up and tried to locate the voice that had disrupted his dreams.

"Over here smart one." Slowly Conker turned in a 180, and came face to face with death himself, a fallacious smile visible under the shade of his pitch black cloaks hood, and his scythe grasped in his right hand, positioned vertically. Conker let out a sigh, crossed his arms, and raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"I know, I know, you wanna know why you're back here again don't you?" said Gregg shaking his head, in his obnoxiously high pitched voice that made it seem like he was addicted to helium .

"No, actually I can't believe you're still that short; haven't you grown at all in a year?" He quickly jumped back as Gregg's scythe swung towards his mid-section in a c-pattern, missing him by a hair.

"Keep that up and I'll keep you down here" mumbled Gregg as he pulled his scythe back to his side. Brushing off imaginary dust from his sleeves, Conker resumed his original pose and said "So yeah, why am I back?"

"Well you see…" Gregg started, and paused scratching his chin "How do I put this simply…" Conker started tapping his left foot in impatience.

"Alright, you know what, fuck it! Listen squirrel, I don't know if you're aware of this, but you've attracted a lot of attention downstairs AND upstairs." Conkers ears perked up at this. There was a pause.

"Aaaaaaand by that you mean…" he asked.

"I mean that my bosses have taken quite the interested in your little endeavors, but more importantly two of the people whom we're affected by them; more specifically a weasel scientist/nut-job/ tyrant and a girl with a blonde pigtail and quite the build in the wonder spots." Conker growled a little when Gregg mentioned Berri like he did.

"And why is that?" he asked.

"Because despite the fact that both of them were supposed to die, neither of them did." All at once Conker charged Gregg and gripped him by the scruff of his cloak, breathing heavily onto his face.

"BERRI'S ALIVE?!!!?!!" he yelled. Pushing Conker off with a booming grunt, Gregg began brushing the squirrel saliva off his face, muttering obscenities under his breath.

"That's what it would seem; she DID get checked through by one of my colleagues, but late last night she was reported missing. That is why we called you down here, but seeing how you're even more surprised then we were, you clearly won't be any help at all." Then Gregg slowly turned towards the large metal gateway and began walking off into the dark.

Suddenly, Conker stretched out his hand and yelled after Gregg. "Wait! Do you-"

"No squirrel, we do not. If we did, I would have told you. But I can promise you this, if we find her, you'll know." He said back. Then, he waved his hand, told him to piss off, and disappeared into the inky black darkness, leaving Conker alone to his thoughts.

"I…I…I can't believe it…" he thought to himself as he approached the cobble stone bridge.

"Berri's alive…Berri's alive…no matter how I say it…it STILL sounds impossible…" he was almost across.

"Maybe…maybe things CAN go back to the way they were before…" his tail was brushing against tombstones.

"Maybe…I can finally wake up from this nightmare…" he was beneath the hook and tail. Abruptly, a paper-white skeleton hand appeared above him and squeezed his tail between its pointer finger and thumb and lifted him into the world where he belonged. For a moment, all he could see was deep and never ending murky gloom, almost as if he was unconscious. But as soon as the strange trippin' trip had begun, it ceased to exist as he opened his eyes abruptly in his physical body. Pushing the front end of his body up, he shook his head from side to side, then pulled himself erect to a standing position, wobbling a little on his short legs. Looking at his surroundings, he realized he was in the nurse's office, also known as the hospital ward of the castle. It had the typical hospital design, with bright white walls and turquoise curtains to the left and right of each bed, which were draped with white covers and supported sky blue mattresses. There was a side table to Conker's left, with flowers and a system that would contact someone if he needed assistance, which he did. Pressing the button, he spoke into the microphone and asked if anyone was there. What he got back in return, was not what he'd expected.

"HE'S IN THE PATIENT DORM!!! REPEAT, HE'S IN THE PATIENT DORM!!! GO, GO, GO, GO!!!!" barked a faint crackly voice, which Conker couldn't understand, but he knew what was saying the foreign language.

Tediz. Tediz were inside the castle.

And they were closing in on him…

Elsewhere....

"Keera!! Report!" yelled Von Kriplespac. Since his death defying fall from orbit, he'd made an astonishing recovery, still limited to his hover chair however. He was back in his old dictator outfit, with a black tux like suit, white under shirt, Black leader hat and black pants. He still had his mechanical arm and red eyeglass-like machine covering his right eye. Following his commands, a young female looking Tedi approached him, in the typical Tedi war attire. She briefly saluted her master prior to her report.

"Sir! We have determined that 98% of castle personnel are dead! .5% have locked themselves in their rooms, and the other .5% are inside the hospital ward!"

"Is one of the 1% not dead an orange squirrel?" he asked. Judging by the conniving look on her face, she knew exactly who he was referencing.

"In the hospital ward sir, with a small battalion of soldiers' bearing down on him." The dictator chuckled deviously, and rubbed his hands together.

"Yessss…I've been vaiting for zis moment for far too long…burn in hell ju bastard squirrel" he then began cackling loudly, Keera and all other nearby troops laughing along. Soon the king would be dead, and at long last the Tediz would rule over this land that they had fought to control for years.

Nearby…

"Well this wasn't exactly what I was expecting to see…" perched in a tree; a middle age woman surveyed the deadly play that was being enacted before her eyes through a pair of incredibly strong binoculars. Pulling them off her face she tucked them safely away in a waist pack, she leaped from the branch she was suspended on and began sprinting full speed in the direction of the castle.

"Just hold on Conker, an old pal is comin' to bail your ass outa there."

Who is this mysterious female? What does she mean by old pal? What does all of this mean for Conker? Stay tuned for chapter four where all will be revealed.

This chapter is abysmal, I know. They can't all be as good as the second one. Meh, either way, hope you enjoyed it, and comments are appreciated.


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